in the end...

Why is that every time I think of something good to blog about it I never have a computer or I just don't feel up to it. 
Several things has happened since my last post. 


My daughter is going into the 10th grade.... I cant believe that she is growing up.  I can honestly say that I proud of that she is becoming.  I have never ever met a teenage girl that is as strong as her.  She will go far in life and I can't wait to see. She will never know what she does for me everyday.  She makes me smile without trying.  She introduces me to new music and calls me a princess when I get too hot (long story).
 I was blessed when a job kind of came to me.  I put in a resume and then I got hired.  I don't think I have ever found myself a job that easy.
I like my job.   I tend to stay quite since I don't know what would offend people and what wont.  I have that really dry sense of humor and I don't want anyone to take that kind of offense to it.  I have come to realize that I do enjoy no gossip.  I am not saying they gossip here.  I am just saying that there is gossip everywhere and I enjoy not engaging in it.  I look and I see that gossip is a fire starter, I just kept fanning that fire every time I did it.  I am a grown person and I don't need anything like this in my life.  Growing up into an adult is hard work... plus I seem to be a late bloomer since it took me 35 years to get there..
That's another thing that happened.  I turned 35.... I look in the mirror and sat that I don't feel 35 but I am...back to my previous statement... growing up is hard work.
While I was turning 35 my little family went on a cruise.  I was in love.  I am so glad that was something that did together.  I would love to work on a cruise ship... no never mind.  I lied.
I also did something that I never have done before.... I went to my first ever punk rock concert... I might have almost passed out... and died and got called a princess because of the heat but I enjoyed the concert in the courtesy of a parent's tent and watched the group preform off a TV.  That's when I realized that I was old.  When did that happen?  WHY did it happen.  I know everyone grows old, I guess I should just accept it. 
this will be a short blog... mainly because I smell brownies and I need to find them.
TTFN... maybe the next one will be longer

Nothing But Time

Due to the recent decline in oil prices my employer of 3 years had to let me go.  My boss told me that it has nothing to do with performance, but when you are hit with something like this all these things run through your head.
What did I do wrong?  If it's not performance then is it personal?  Why me?  I know every ounce of everyone's job at that company, I trained half of them... so why me?  I know I didn't make the most money there, I was happy with that.  I never complained about pay, I did more than what was asked of me and I felt like I was a team player... so why!
I know that the line of work that I was in was risky.  I don't know why I thought that I was the exception.  So when my boss gave me my letter, I did what every person does at that time... I thanked him for allowing me to work for him.  I thanked him for being an amazing boss. I thanked him for taking a chance on me....then I cried... a lot.
I bawled like a huge big baby and apologized while I was crying for crying...
I wanted to be the bigger person.. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to show weakness but I couldn't help it.
The lady who was in the office with him passed me some tissue and assured that the way that I was reacting is expected.  It's hard.
I walked out of the office and went outside to call my husband.  He is amazing.  He told me to gather my thoughts and make sure that I was clear minded and to come see him as soon as I was done cleaning my things out.
When I went back in, I gathered my things and took them to my car.  Then it was time for the goodbyes.   I walked from the back of the building to the front hugging my co-workers telling them how amazing they were.  That they were awesome and that I was going to miss them so much.
I hugged my office mate and told her that she means the world to me... she is one that I am going to miss a lot.  I hugged my co-worker who is like a dad to me... we have been together for a long time and been through hard times and fun times.. we learned from each other...
I hugged my boss and thanked him again.. and walked out.  Called my husband and told him sorry for being a failure.
My emotions turned from sorrow to bitterness to anger to peace all in 4 days time.
I was upset from the lay off, then I was bitter because they did this to ME of all people, then I was angry because I gave them everything I could offer, then I was at peace.  The peace emotion came to me when I was told by people that there was nothing I could do.... if I gave them everything and worked hard and I KNOW and they KNOW I worked hard then there was nothing I could do.. so I know at this point that I was not let go due to performance.  I am a hard dedicated worker, and a team player, I did my job.
So with all this time on my hands what do I do.
My husband who is so understanding has told me how amazing I am everyday. He told me to get back in the gym (of course I made a fat joke crack at him) but he wants me to feel good about myself.
I can see that... I have been hard on myself.  He tells me to get dressed because he doesn't want me to feel even more depressed
I am also going to cook... I haven't done that in awhile because I am always tired.. going to the gym will help with that.
I am going to break out the sewing machine... (hubby doesn't know this yet...) but I am going to sew... I don't know what but I am.
So with nothing but time, I am going to do me.... watch out world...

The Amazing!

So I haven't done this in a couple of days.
Maybe its because I don't have really much to complain about...(that will never be the case....ever....period!)
I am just trying to figure out how to handle me without sympathy!
I don't want a pity party... by all means I definitely don't want people to feel sorry for me.  That was and never be my intentions.
I can sit here and say poor me because I can't see without my glasses... but at least i can see.
Do I get aggravated when my hearing aids are out?  Yes, because I miss the sound of rain at night.. or when my husband wants to talk to me before we go to bed and I can't hear his voice....
But I can hear...sometimes.
I have always said that I needed to take lessons from my daughter.
You name it she has it.
You think that I am kidding you.. she has been poked and picked at by doctors since she was 3 months old.
Multiple surgeries since she was 6 months old...
She has been diagnosed with everything..
ranging from complicated migraines... to raynaud's phenomenon...and there has been a few more between and after these..
My father in law has  been looking to get someone to finally say all these diagnoses all lead up to............. (you can fill in the blank..you might know more then we do....)
But through all this she doesn't let anything get in her way.
She still played soccer... was a pretty good player too..
she still did track and field.... did pretty well in that too
she still plays her instrument.. (which makes her stiff..) and she does that pretty well too.
She is active in ROTC... she does well in that
She from the outside is a normal teenager... on the inside, she isn't.
She doesn't sleep well, she can't get comfortable...
Her mind doesn't stop (no she's not ADHD....I don't think.. if so we can add it to the others on the list)
She has a hard time remembering things.... and she will jokingly admit that...
She takes everything that she has in stride... she lives the way that she wants to live.. she doesn't let anything stop her.
She is pretty amazing and I need to take some lessons from her...  I know that I would be a better person when I do!

The Answer to the Question YOU Wanted to Know

I can explain everything.  I decided to do this to let go of the stress that I have/had.... the wanting to scream and not have anyone look at me funny or judge me.  I need to let go and thats the whole purpose of this blog thing!
So let me answer a few questions....
Am I okay?: 
Define okay.....

Am I okay sitting here typing this?  Yes, right at this moment I am okay.

Am I okay sitting here typing right at this moment in bed?  Well yes.... and no but more yes... the living room has been over taken by some war movie and although I said that I want to come out of hiding more my idea of that does not include me sitting on the couch typing this.....I would rather not hear gun shots and a some random dude go ugggghhhhh and splat.....

Am I okay with my skin? well no.... i am not happy with me on the outer part because I know that I have done to myself to get here.  I never used drugs, but I feel like being out of touch with people the way that I am is just as bad.  I have already admitted something is changing, but something will change soon because in july we are going cruising!

Am I okay as a wife? well that would be a no too... i know that my husband does so much for me and our family that I feel like I might not appreciate him much.... I'm sure he might feel the same way, about me not appreciating him much.  I guess just saying "I Love You" might not be enough... it shouldn't be for anyone.  I will try to work on this.. I love my husband to the moon and back and he's gotta love me... if not he would have left by now.

Am I okay as a mom? I think that i get a yes... then no.... then yes.... then... well i know that i wont win mother of the year this year.... or next.... but I do know that our daughter has everything that she wants.  She is very respectful to others and listens well.. she has been through so much and still laughs.  I might need to start taking lessons from her.... however i might win "mom of the day" she got her birthday present early.  Mr. Prickles the hedgehog is resting nice and warm in his new cage.

Am I okay as a employee?  I think so.  I mean i try to be successful on everything.  I work hard and give everything to be a good employee.  I give my work 100% of the time that I am there.... and 75% of my time when I am not there.

Am I okay as a daughter, sister, friend?  I think so.  I am a peace maker.  I try to keep peace with my family.  It's kinda like the mafia... no one gets in.... no one gets out....
once youre in (if you get in) youre in for life...

So define your definition of okay...

Sick and tired of...well being depressed

Have you ever seen that commercial "Depression Hurts"?  Every time I see that I am like well no crap depression hurts.  I deal with that daily.  I struggle to keep motivated to the point that I don't even like to struggle with that.  It's not a physical hurt, its more of an emotional hurt.. The emotional toll that I know that I put on myself.  If I am sitting here going through so much depression that I cant deal with it, I look and see what I do to my family. 

I mean I think to myself Oh my gosh what has my depression done to them?  I don't even want to be around me so why would they want to be around me?

 I actually sat through a movie with them the other day.  The sad part of the whole deal was when I got up to use the bathroom I hear  good night... they know my routine, I have obliviously hid in my room away from them too much.. They don't deserve that. The deserve a wife and mother that is there... not physically, but emotionally too.

Of course while I am typing this my daughter is watching YouTube and I am hid away in my bedroom. 

That's my after work routine... come home, go to bed.   It sucks.

The phone rings.... I will let it ring look at it....let it ring... then I am like alright..... I really don't want to answer this call, but I will.

So to help with all this I have decided a few changes that I need to make.

I need to incorporate diet and  exercise back into my life.  I did feel better when I wasn't 200 lbs of fat.

I will try to wake up early and go to the gym (pray for me... and those people at the gym who has to see me)

I need to stay off my phone and snap back into reality with my family... I only hurt them the most and thats the last thing that I ever wanted to do.

I need to make a new after work routine.... sorry lovely daughter it's no longer YouTube for you... its MarioKart or whatever else we can find on the WII.  (I wont touch that XBOX ONE)

I will make a change.... it will be good.  I control my emotions.... 

Oh and the highlight of my day was this morning....

I get a text message from my darling husband that read:

"Have a great day sweetheart I didn't know I snored"

I laughed so loud... it made me smile.  

He also likes to talk and welcome people to the 5th grade, but thats a story for another time.

xxxooo

Mel

the beginning

You know sometimes there are things that you want to say but you can't seem to get it off your chest? I think that I am in that rut right now.  I used to write all the time that would express my emotions well but I stopped.  I don't know why I stopped but I did.  So, here I am in my rut.  Not sure how I feel and hoping that this will make me feel so much better.  You know that hashtag "the struggle is real"?  That's me right...at...this...very...moment.
I am not doing this to be judged, or a poor me type thing.  I am doing this because I think this is the best way to go about my emotions.  So please no random text or phone calls asking me if I am alright because I am, just know that I am person of many "peaks" and "valleys". There will be peak days...woohoo... Then there will be valley days..... Boo, but in the end it's just emotions right?  Emotions is something people gotta learn how to control, and I am the biggest fraud of that.....that's the one thing I can't seem to control.
So on that note, all you grammar police and you puncation judges I am not here to fill you up with ammo to shoot at me....so right now......at this very rutty moment we will make a deal... No judges on use of grammar and punctuation, and I will spell everything correctly.  That deal is to ensure that people won't bring me down past my lowest point (if I get there).
I don't know what I will write about.... This will be a whole bunch of everything and sometimes a bunch of nothing....  So keep in mind that it's not your mamas blog.... It's mine and it will be scattered.
So as I listen to my husband snore, and the dog laying right in the place that my legs lay, I will wish you all a good night...I am going to try this sleep thing out....I hear it's overrated anyways

XXXOOO
Mel