The Answer to the Question YOU Wanted to Know

I can explain everything.  I decided to do this to let go of the stress that I have/had.... the wanting to scream and not have anyone look at me funny or judge me.  I need to let go and thats the whole purpose of this blog thing!
So let me answer a few questions....
Am I okay?: 
Define okay.....

Am I okay sitting here typing this?  Yes, right at this moment I am okay.

Am I okay sitting here typing right at this moment in bed?  Well yes.... and no but more yes... the living room has been over taken by some war movie and although I said that I want to come out of hiding more my idea of that does not include me sitting on the couch typing this.....I would rather not hear gun shots and a some random dude go ugggghhhhh and splat.....

Am I okay with my skin? well no.... i am not happy with me on the outer part because I know that I have done to myself to get here.  I never used drugs, but I feel like being out of touch with people the way that I am is just as bad.  I have already admitted something is changing, but something will change soon because in july we are going cruising!

Am I okay as a wife? well that would be a no too... i know that my husband does so much for me and our family that I feel like I might not appreciate him much.... I'm sure he might feel the same way, about me not appreciating him much.  I guess just saying "I Love You" might not be enough... it shouldn't be for anyone.  I will try to work on this.. I love my husband to the moon and back and he's gotta love me... if not he would have left by now.

Am I okay as a mom? I think that i get a yes... then no.... then yes.... then... well i know that i wont win mother of the year this year.... or next.... but I do know that our daughter has everything that she wants.  She is very respectful to others and listens well.. she has been through so much and still laughs.  I might need to start taking lessons from her.... however i might win "mom of the day" she got her birthday present early.  Mr. Prickles the hedgehog is resting nice and warm in his new cage.

Am I okay as a employee?  I think so.  I mean i try to be successful on everything.  I work hard and give everything to be a good employee.  I give my work 100% of the time that I am there.... and 75% of my time when I am not there.

Am I okay as a daughter, sister, friend?  I think so.  I am a peace maker.  I try to keep peace with my family.  It's kinda like the mafia... no one gets in.... no one gets out....
once youre in (if you get in) youre in for life...

So define your definition of okay...

Sick and tired of...well being depressed

Have you ever seen that commercial "Depression Hurts"?  Every time I see that I am like well no crap depression hurts.  I deal with that daily.  I struggle to keep motivated to the point that I don't even like to struggle with that.  It's not a physical hurt, its more of an emotional hurt.. The emotional toll that I know that I put on myself.  If I am sitting here going through so much depression that I cant deal with it, I look and see what I do to my family. 

I mean I think to myself Oh my gosh what has my depression done to them?  I don't even want to be around me so why would they want to be around me?

 I actually sat through a movie with them the other day.  The sad part of the whole deal was when I got up to use the bathroom I hear  good night... they know my routine, I have obliviously hid in my room away from them too much.. They don't deserve that. The deserve a wife and mother that is there... not physically, but emotionally too.

Of course while I am typing this my daughter is watching YouTube and I am hid away in my bedroom. 

That's my after work routine... come home, go to bed.   It sucks.

The phone rings.... I will let it ring look at it....let it ring... then I am like alright..... I really don't want to answer this call, but I will.

So to help with all this I have decided a few changes that I need to make.

I need to incorporate diet and  exercise back into my life.  I did feel better when I wasn't 200 lbs of fat.

I will try to wake up early and go to the gym (pray for me... and those people at the gym who has to see me)

I need to stay off my phone and snap back into reality with my family... I only hurt them the most and thats the last thing that I ever wanted to do.

I need to make a new after work routine.... sorry lovely daughter it's no longer YouTube for you... its MarioKart or whatever else we can find on the WII.  (I wont touch that XBOX ONE)

I will make a change.... it will be good.  I control my emotions.... 

Oh and the highlight of my day was this morning....

I get a text message from my darling husband that read:

"Have a great day sweetheart I didn't know I snored"

I laughed so loud... it made me smile.  

He also likes to talk and welcome people to the 5th grade, but thats a story for another time.

xxxooo

Mel

the beginning

You know sometimes there are things that you want to say but you can't seem to get it off your chest? I think that I am in that rut right now.  I used to write all the time that would express my emotions well but I stopped.  I don't know why I stopped but I did.  So, here I am in my rut.  Not sure how I feel and hoping that this will make me feel so much better.  You know that hashtag "the struggle is real"?  That's me right...at...this...very...moment.
I am not doing this to be judged, or a poor me type thing.  I am doing this because I think this is the best way to go about my emotions.  So please no random text or phone calls asking me if I am alright because I am, just know that I am person of many "peaks" and "valleys". There will be peak days...woohoo... Then there will be valley days..... Boo, but in the end it's just emotions right?  Emotions is something people gotta learn how to control, and I am the biggest fraud of that.....that's the one thing I can't seem to control.
So on that note, all you grammar police and you puncation judges I am not here to fill you up with ammo to shoot at me....so right now......at this very rutty moment we will make a deal... No judges on use of grammar and punctuation, and I will spell everything correctly.  That deal is to ensure that people won't bring me down past my lowest point (if I get there).
I don't know what I will write about.... This will be a whole bunch of everything and sometimes a bunch of nothing....  So keep in mind that it's not your mamas blog.... It's mine and it will be scattered.
So as I listen to my husband snore, and the dog laying right in the place that my legs lay, I will wish you all a good night...I am going to try this sleep thing out....I hear it's overrated anyways

XXXOOO
Mel