Nothing But Time

Due to the recent decline in oil prices my employer of 3 years had to let me go.  My boss told me that it has nothing to do with performance, but when you are hit with something like this all these things run through your head.
What did I do wrong?  If it's not performance then is it personal?  Why me?  I know every ounce of everyone's job at that company, I trained half of them... so why me?  I know I didn't make the most money there, I was happy with that.  I never complained about pay, I did more than what was asked of me and I felt like I was a team player... so why!
I know that the line of work that I was in was risky.  I don't know why I thought that I was the exception.  So when my boss gave me my letter, I did what every person does at that time... I thanked him for allowing me to work for him.  I thanked him for being an amazing boss. I thanked him for taking a chance on me....then I cried... a lot.
I bawled like a huge big baby and apologized while I was crying for crying...
I wanted to be the bigger person.. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to show weakness but I couldn't help it.
The lady who was in the office with him passed me some tissue and assured that the way that I was reacting is expected.  It's hard.
I walked out of the office and went outside to call my husband.  He is amazing.  He told me to gather my thoughts and make sure that I was clear minded and to come see him as soon as I was done cleaning my things out.
When I went back in, I gathered my things and took them to my car.  Then it was time for the goodbyes.   I walked from the back of the building to the front hugging my co-workers telling them how amazing they were.  That they were awesome and that I was going to miss them so much.
I hugged my office mate and told her that she means the world to me... she is one that I am going to miss a lot.  I hugged my co-worker who is like a dad to me... we have been together for a long time and been through hard times and fun times.. we learned from each other...
I hugged my boss and thanked him again.. and walked out.  Called my husband and told him sorry for being a failure.
My emotions turned from sorrow to bitterness to anger to peace all in 4 days time.
I was upset from the lay off, then I was bitter because they did this to ME of all people, then I was angry because I gave them everything I could offer, then I was at peace.  The peace emotion came to me when I was told by people that there was nothing I could do.... if I gave them everything and worked hard and I KNOW and they KNOW I worked hard then there was nothing I could do.. so I know at this point that I was not let go due to performance.  I am a hard dedicated worker, and a team player, I did my job.
So with all this time on my hands what do I do.
My husband who is so understanding has told me how amazing I am everyday. He told me to get back in the gym (of course I made a fat joke crack at him) but he wants me to feel good about myself.
I can see that... I have been hard on myself.  He tells me to get dressed because he doesn't want me to feel even more depressed
I am also going to cook... I haven't done that in awhile because I am always tired.. going to the gym will help with that.
I am going to break out the sewing machine... (hubby doesn't know this yet...) but I am going to sew... I don't know what but I am.
So with nothing but time, I am going to do me.... watch out world...

The Amazing!

So I haven't done this in a couple of days.
Maybe its because I don't have really much to complain about...(that will never be the case....ever....period!)
I am just trying to figure out how to handle me without sympathy!
I don't want a pity party... by all means I definitely don't want people to feel sorry for me.  That was and never be my intentions.
I can sit here and say poor me because I can't see without my glasses... but at least i can see.
Do I get aggravated when my hearing aids are out?  Yes, because I miss the sound of rain at night.. or when my husband wants to talk to me before we go to bed and I can't hear his voice....
But I can hear...sometimes.
I have always said that I needed to take lessons from my daughter.
You name it she has it.
You think that I am kidding you.. she has been poked and picked at by doctors since she was 3 months old.
Multiple surgeries since she was 6 months old...
She has been diagnosed with everything..
ranging from complicated migraines... to raynaud's phenomenon...and there has been a few more between and after these..
My father in law has  been looking to get someone to finally say all these diagnoses all lead up to............. (you can fill in the blank..you might know more then we do....)
But through all this she doesn't let anything get in her way.
She still played soccer... was a pretty good player too..
she still did track and field.... did pretty well in that too
she still plays her instrument.. (which makes her stiff..) and she does that pretty well too.
She is active in ROTC... she does well in that
She from the outside is a normal teenager... on the inside, she isn't.
She doesn't sleep well, she can't get comfortable...
Her mind doesn't stop (no she's not ADHD....I don't think.. if so we can add it to the others on the list)
She has a hard time remembering things.... and she will jokingly admit that...
She takes everything that she has in stride... she lives the way that she wants to live.. she doesn't let anything stop her.
She is pretty amazing and I need to take some lessons from her...  I know that I would be a better person when I do!